Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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