I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize