my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
