she woke up with a sticky ear
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
