I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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