One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
