found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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