I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
