I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm bleeding and have questions
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
