Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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