At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
