I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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