please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
