I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
