I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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