so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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