I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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