Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
