I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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