and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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