I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This baby is an asshole
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I love you.
Bad choice
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize