just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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