Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
