at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i now understand why vodka
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
