If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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