why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
