I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
