Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
