another moral hangover. fuck.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
