Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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