Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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