then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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