So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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