the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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