Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
