It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
