After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
