My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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