John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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