ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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