Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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