I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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