She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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