Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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