don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
