why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
