i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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