I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I hate all girls vehemently.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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