I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
