wakey wakey hands off snakey
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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