frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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