I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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