There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
