it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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