My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Randomize
