there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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