You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
