I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
