watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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