We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
