Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
