Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im having a threesome with these popsicles
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
